New year, new start, new you!

New year means new you, right?  Not necessarily!  You can be an enhanced you. The greatest wisdom i have been told for meeting people, interviewing for jobs, going new places, is to "be yourself".

Sometimes we have to enhance our features,by doing our research  and putting a plan in action.  What is my new years resolution? i started at a gym with a black friday sale.  I even bit the bullet and signed up for a professional trainer.  Did i hit my new years goal of losing certain amount of weight? not quite, but i did make some progress and for my first goal both trainer and i agreed it was a good start!  My body has had a lot of stress done to it from living with cancer, enduring the chemo and the previous condition of endometriosis, so even starting to get in shape with floor exercises to increase mobility, flexibility and strengthening was alot to start in that short of time.  Thankfully each week (with exception of after christmas - oops) i did lose something, but most importantly i felt better!  my floor exercises were getting easier and gasp...boring!  i was even experimenting with the machines before the trainer officially brought it up in our once weekly meeting (carefully of course, small amounts of weight to try). Also noticed that my boots do not feel like ankle weights this winter, and normally they do (that is a fun experience, not have that heaviness around the ankles all season).

 As for my anxiety, i have an outlet to decrease the worrying. Not like i didn't before, i have my arts and crafts, my video games, friends to vent to, but the exercising seems to help in a different way. I put away my phone and i focus on the floor exercises. i have to do so many rounds of each to work different muscles and then i do cardio for a certain amount of time while keeping track of my breathing and my heartrate, then i go to the machines depending on the day with my work out schedule and focus on form and weights so that i dont hurt myself by overdoing it or handling the machines wrong.  Really exersizing to me is a form of meditation. I personally don't know how people can be on their phones while still doing a good workout. Maybe after im "officially in shape" ill be able to as well?  until then, im ok people watching, watching the tvs, listening to the gym music (can't seem to get music on my phone and headphones distract me ) or talking with a friend while we do the cardio together. The repetitiveness of the floor exersizes and trying to hit my step goal through fitbit help keep me focused.  Seeing the scale going down helps to but its only added incentive.  I can't wait till i can feel healthy and look healthy- My new self, still me, only a better version of myself.

What do you find to be meditative to help with your anxiety, or depression?

Change

Change can be difficult to handle.  With the recent election everyone has their thoughts and beliefs and feelings toward the situation and they are allowed to have them.  I have seen alot of this on social media, and i dont necessarily agree that that is the best way to express things; however we each do the best that we can and if that includes using our social media as a support, by all means use social media to express yourself.  Personally for me i like to find a more creative way to express myself. with a sale at #joanns i discovered #prismacolor colored pencils!!!! OMG they are amazing.  ( i also just found walmart sells them way cheaper in case the sale has ended by the time you read this post). they are the best colored pencils i have tried yet!! ( recieved some #mandala coloring books last christmas that i go into every now and then)  The colored pencils i have  used up till now that i truly enjoy are woodless colored pencils.  The only downside to them is they are limited amount of colors.  This prisma pack ( 24 colors )  is a wonderful variety!!!! and the color is like cream, i barely have to touch the paper for the color ( which is truly vibrant) to hit the page.  im used to colored pencils where force is needed to fill in the space.  This requires a light touch , which requires an adjustment period and is totally worth it.  i started out my morning preparing for a management "fire safety , appliance and house keeping check" this morning and while i was waiting for them to come i tried to make coffee and of course grabbed the container out of the closet and knocked a can from 4 ft up, onto tip of my big toe.   OUCH. so while i was recovering with a bag of ice until the inspection came / after he left ( went just fine btw)  i decided to distract myself from the throbbing pain by experimenting with the colors.  i almost wanted to cry at how nice these pencils work.  granted part of that may been from the pain..... i always enjoy trying new materials. especially good quality materials!!!  i recently saw this "art box" subscription through facebook where you pay 25 or 35$ a month and recieve a box of supplies to try with a small art project for inspiration  ( like a mini painting that comes with specific colored markers to re create that painting).  Im very tempted to try it for a month or two  as a christmas present to myself.

however you need to help yourself de stress from the election , i hope it works out for you.  if you do #create, please feel free to share an image in the comments!

Update on Kitty!

My cranky old man kitty Mickey had his heart scan yesterday.  there is no sign of heart disease!!!!!!!! so thankful!!!  I will be getting the specifics in the next few days after the doc does the write up but basically one of this valves is just a hair too close to an arterie so when hes stressed it gets sucked in and thats what causes his heart murmer.  He is given the clear to go under anesthesia for dental appointments!!! We almost didn't complete the scan because he wasn't allowing the doctor to do the initial exam.  They ended up holding him down and putting a muzzle on him. he survived and was given extra treats upon arrival at home :)  after an especially cranky afternoon hes now appeared settled again and taken over his chair in the living room. hes 15 ish and ive had him since he was about a week old, so definitely my baby!  i remember bottle feeding him, hand feeding him, litter training him.  So thankful hes ok and hopefully will last me a few more years!!!

Feel free to share pictures in the comments of your furbabies :)

ever after

So the #lls  #lightthenight walk #appleton turned out pretty nice.  two of my coworkers joined me in support of me as well as memory of past family members.  Its always wonderful to see the amount of support at events like this, and to know that appleton raised over 120,000 $ toward #bloodcancer #research!!!!!!!!!  #teamjustkeepswimming will be back again next year and i will share my link ahead of time once they open registration :).  

In other news, i took my cat to the vet for pre dental examination and blood work.   I found out he has  heart murmer :( :( :( which could have developed since his last appt in spring or missed from his previous vet. i recieved an email today that his blood work came back fine which im confused about, so i will be calling back tomorrow for more information and scheduling the cardiac workup that the vet reccomended.  i feel like getting that looked at is more important then getting his teeth cleaned with the chance of him not making it through the procedure due to the anesthesia and  heart condition.

my baby is 15ish years old and ive had him since he was like a week old! im hoping its simple thyroid issue , but im not feeling to positive since they didn't say the thyroid blood work wasn't out of the ordinary.  wish me luck all, ill update when i know something! until then enjoy these cute pics of my babes , and my dad who was engrossed in the packer game at the top photo.

Light the night

Its time to light the night! Last week i walked in the #milwaukee #lls #lightthenight walk with a team who has brought me into their #family.  Tonight im supposed to walk with a friend in #appleton , i didn't want to do this alone, however it looks like that will be the case.  I know im not really alone, and i was just going over my blog posts and saw the one i wrote before i went out west and met all the other amazing #young adult #survivors throughout the country (and then some , #canada)!  Somedays like today, i still feel alone.  This walk is important to me, its not about the money donations although that is definitely helpful.  This walk to me is #celebratinglife .  7 years from diagnoses ( give or take a few weeks) ( 2009, started chemo right before thanksgiving, but the month of october was full of testing at the big hospital - this would explain why my knees have been killing me this last two weeks - phantom pain) .  Online about every other post i see on fb is from a #firstdescents friend or a #campmakadream friend.   few have been anniversarys of those lost since then.  I overcome that sadness by knowing they are no longer in pain and are partyin in the sky or the rivers watching over us.  Part of me still feels survivor guilt over living, and at the same time im so thankful i was given a second chance regardless of others thoughts or feelings.  My  parents dont understand why i want to be a part of this community.  Thats why i do.  who else wants to be understood!?    SO needless to say,  if you find this in time for tonight, sign up for "team - just keep swimming and comment to let me know!

http://pages.lightthenight.org/wi/NEWI16/Justkeepswimming

EMDR

Last week i traveled to #milwaukee to be trained in using EMDR - Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing  .  This technique is a quicker version of psychotherapy.  When i went to the training, i was open to the process because i have heard so many success stories.  I did not believe it actually worked, i was channeling the "placebo effect" - give a sugar pill but the person thinks its the real medication and it works  (mind over matter).  Part of this training though was me therapying myself and it was amazing the difference i felt and am still feeling during the after effects (processing continues after therapy session ends)

This training was a small group of therapists from around the midwest and first half of each day was learning a portion of the technique, and the second half was us going in small groups of three (observer, client, therapist) and practicing the technique on eachother so that we could each experience being the client and practice using the technique as the therapist.

We picked "smaller issues" to work on over the 3 day period so that we could still notice if the technique worked and maybe feel better about something that was bothering us.  To start we learned a general overview of the technique, history and such. We each created a "safe place" to go to if the technique brought up intense emotion and this would help us relax through it.  We then placed our issue with negative and positive thoughts and used the technique which is the eye movement, to help re organize the thoughts and feelings connected to that experience which in effect affected how we feel today in similiar situations.

Day two was going in depth with our situation, the negative and positive cognition and hopefully overcoming that initial experience.  This was where the intense emotions would come up, between "feeder memories" (similar experiences).  My working issue was my fear of public speaking. we "floated back" by imagining the experience (speaking in public), taking those physical sensations, and allowing ourselves to go back to previous times where we felt that sensation and recording the memories down to the earliest memory.  we had to think about that memory and as we processed it with the eye movement, we were incorporating what we know now, into that memory until our image of that memory , not necessarily faded, but didn't "feel " as strong. This is where feeder memories came in , different situations that were simliar to the memories / feelings.  Our brain is basically a filing cabinet - We experience a situation and our body and mind connect to create sensations - positive and negative.  With my experience i brought up shame - or negatively "im not good enough, im not worthy".  My positive was " i am worthy".  I would think the positive with the situation until my mind was able to make connections from all the experience that ive learned, (they call this adaptive information processing) with that situation and re organized the internal filing cabinet so that yes i still had the memory, but the feelings were normalized, that memory was categorized properly in the cabinet and the part that connects now is no longer negative.  yes i remember the feelings i had associated, but now its more, "yes it happened, im over it, i remember how i felt about it but now that intense show of emotion is gone becuase the filing cabinet is organized'.

Day three was going over what happened since the last session.  Normally these sessions are a week apart, and they dont always complete themselves in one session.  This should also be done with a professional to help process memories and emotions that come up.  The processing as i said continues after the session.  I had strange dreams that normally i would consider nightmares over the weekend. i was also completely drained and fatigued.  I had new memories come up that , werent repressed but i had forgot  about them ( which is normal).  the connections i was able to make between experiences and similiar experiences was amazing.  I had gone to counseling all through college for my fear of public speaking and confronting people , or feelings of nervousness when the boss called me in.  Nothing ever made me feel good, i always left each session in tears and felt like crap.  This weekend was a big breakthrough, i feel like a giant weight has been lifted.  Granted other things came up that i now will have to process in therapy, but its a good thing. I was able to move past that initial young memory.  Im still feeling the fatigue even 4 days later, but i also feel a sense of motivation to do things that i havent felt in a long time.  Anyway - day three, how have things been, has anything changed, any new memories come up.  If anything has, we repeat day two with the new items, negative and cognitive, and repeat safe place.

Emdr isn't for everyone, but it may help you.  Emdr has been mainly used and researched with veterans and ptsd, however it has been used with other populations experiencing different types of trauma.   Trauma has been defined as any situation that caused negative feelings.  I felt intense emotion at different times, however with us being trained before we started , my acting therapist was able to help me through them properly. That is very important because not being able to process feelings properly can lead to deeper emotions and actions.  Safe place is made to help cushion, but to have a therapist guide to the safe place feeling and through the steps is important in case we "fall off the tracks" and cant pull up that cushion.

To find a EMDR trained therapist near you, checkout the emdria website

http://www.emdria.org/search/custom.asp?id=2337

Firepit ramblings

Fall is almost here!  the warmth has turned to chilliness.  I have a fireplace in my apartment, so tonight i threw in some logs and some junk mail and roasted marshmellows!  now im curled in my fuzzy soft plink blanket and writing to yall :)  nothing like a warm toasty room and soft blanket to welcome in the chill.  Its great to reboot the senses once in a while.  light some candles, soft fuzzy blanket or fuzzy warm socks. throw a blanket in the dryer for about 20 minutes and curl up with a good book.  warm cup of tea or chicken broth. mmmm the things we can do for self care!  Totally important in todays busy lives.   My nephew whos 12 mind you, just started 7th grade, says "hes too busy to check his email".  if hes too busy now, wait till hes in his 20s working and paying bills!  needless to say, its good to take time to yourself and reboot.

im super excited to share!  Not only do i have my new website sharing general art therapy services:
www.samanthahanson.weebly.com

and my facebook page:
www.facebook.com/shanson.atpy

i have a new pinterest page!!!!!!!
https://www.pinterest.com/shansonatpy/

The clinic and i have been busy doing vendor events on weekends inluding the Autism Speaks walk in Green bay,  the NAMI walk also in greenbay, and i shared our booth at a small breastcancer fundraiser in appleton!   We have more vendor events coming soon and we are working on mailing out info packets for our clinic to local businesses, so if you are within driving distance of Greenbay and want our packet, let me know! our clinic offers EMDR (which im getting trained on later this week), Brain Spotting, Art Therapy, Pet Therapy and more :)

www.spectrumbh.com For more information on our therapists and the clinic. ( the contact us button on my personal website will also take you to the clinic website)

This is so exciting to be taking this journey! im loving it up here in greenbay and the clinic is wonderful, family based entrepeneurs looking to make a difference.