Shakey shakey

So lately I have been stressed with school, my internship and recent knee pain.  My next pet scan is in march and im afraid my nerves have cracked and my fears of my cancer coming back are taking over.   I tried to start pt but it hurts so I havent been able to continue.   By accepting that im afraid though it seems to lessen the fear because then I can think how silly it is and continue staying positive that it is normal pain from the joint damage I had due to the cancer.

I started applying to jobs this week!  Its adding to the stress and my worries but at least those nerves are more exciting then the negative thoughts that keep pushing through.  I cant stand the thought of having to find out its back aand having to tell my young nephew. Hes very brave and strong for 8  (5 @ the time)  but I know how much he misses me at school and how nervous he gets when he hears I have doc appts.   He trys not to show it but being 8 its easy to tell.   I also really don't want to go through chemo again.

The chemo made me feel like shit.  And thats all for now .

Over the woods and through the snow

During my winter break, my mom and I went to get my hair cut.   Now this was a special time, because it was my second, first hair cut!  I had let it grow for the 2.5 years since I was declared in remission (march 16 2010- dec 22 2012) . 

It was so long and curly that I ended up donating 2 ten inch ponytails to locks of love.   When it was first growing back in it was almost as curly as shirley temple locks.  Unfortunately this time it has not returned to that curly state but back to its regular wavey texture.

When the first pony tail was cut off it felt like a huge weight lifted off, not only because hair is really heavy, but its another step in moving forward.  I had wanted a sexy haircut to look my age, but i do feel the need to complain.  the young woman cutting my hair didnot know what she was doing.

She started my haircut by handing me the brush to comb out my curls and had to be rescued by another hair dresser,  so needless to say by the time she got everything trimmed up and cute, I wasnt willing to wait longer for her to layer and style it. 

While it bummed my special haircut ,we still made the best of it.  mom took pictures during each step and after we went xmas shopping and had family time to end our special day.  I am also now likeing my simple haircut, but when it starts growing out again im definitly going to try the layered look! Maybe then my curls will come back, because thats one part of my past I would like to come with me as I journey to my future.

thinking of you, and the future.

I was able to post some pictures in the previous blogs, Im not sure if i have any followers yet but if i do, feel free to go back and look.

I am supposed to start applying for jobs soon as i graduate in may ( go me!)  but im nervous. I am homesick, but i know if i go straight back theres a good chance i wont find a job, but if i stay out here i may or may not find a job (as jobs are slim pickings anywhere these days) and then i will still be 1100 miles away from family and friends.  i suppose im nervous about being alone and that my poor memory ( which became worse with the chemo) may get in the way of my job interviewing, and then they'll ask about the gap in my resume. i have been getting split reviews from different people telling me to own up to having cancer and to avoid saying it at all costs.  i realize i can't NOT get hired for having a history of cancer, but it doesn't mean that it wont still be in the back of all our minds. Same goes for relationships, i have this fear that my medical history will also get in the way there to. ( this is on the mind as we just had new years and of course everyone around me seemed to have someone for new years, except me) .

new years resolution, a quote came to me from a movie i viewed on Netflix : " what was it she feared the most? - being alone-  Yes! and because she feared being alone, she was enveloped by it!"  -  so maybe that wasn't the exact saying, but close enough.  i'm going to make an effort to stop being so worried that this will keep me alone and focus on more important things, like finishing school and getting a job! and who knows, maybe with these distractions , as my young nephew would say , my prince charming will be found.

Sharing for the very first time

When i first started sharing my feelings, it was difficult. I was able to talk about what happened pretty easily, but as soon as i started talking about how i felt the waterworks came.  the first real time was during my painting final.  we had all semester to work on painting, just painting whatever came to us, "dont think," my professor said, " just paint"   . of course i thought i was wasting my money, and i still do in a way,  but i see where she was coming from.
Our program is very much, work on your problems now so they don't appear later (or as intense anyway, with future clients who may have the same problem).   throughout the semester my teacher and i realized some things coming from my work.  my paintings showed my anxiety, my feelings of being trapped from an anxious mother and from my medical problems, how i lacked my childhood and wasn't able to " play"  -- yes this can be seen from artwork--  and varied all the way to  my final piece of how i felt now ( or at that time post cancer).

 

these paintings arent listed in order,  but they represent the freedom i felt of finally being able to move without pain, moving forward in a new direction, or " the new me" the new normal, etc.  and having to take time, because although the cancer was labeled as in remission, i still had to worry about bringing my body back up to speed.  that first fall after treatment i went hunting, and boy i have to say i did not realize how new my bones were until i sat in that freezing hunting stand in the middle of a Wisconsin fall.  6 month old bones ( all that new tissue) were not happy with me.  luckily we had some battery and kerosene operated heaters to get me through that weekend , and no i did not get a deer ( but theres always a next time!).
However, when i first brought some of these to class to present that first semester, i started screaming at them, how upset they made me and how aweful it was to talk about each and every one. it was excruciating to talk about how the cancer affected me, the things i realized about my life, what i had missed out on, what i possibly would be missing out on, and how it made me feel in general.
Had i not started painting without thinking, i wouldn't have come to this conclusion.  i had always had assignments, but never something so open ended that my subconscious was able to speak, and to make me stand still and really consider myself and how i was doing.  yes, i was feeling physcally healthy, but until that final exam presentation, as ironic as it was to be in a mental health profession to help others, i hadn't taken the time to ask myself how i was emotionally concerning the whole situation.  i went through years of pain, and while i had a great support system in my friends, i didn't have my family until after.  i have been working through this in my program with the help of my teachers and my counselor, so that is why im finally able to write about it to others.

like putting the pieces in the puzzle, such as my first knitting project post cancer, to my nephew-
 a tetris themed blanket that i created using an  afghan stitch.